Holy Charles Dickens Christmas Carol. I always knew I was different. I had a visit in the middle of the
night. It was kind of like a literary
spirit guide. I just knew I had a spirit
guide and that the other side would one day get a message to me.
But I’ll be honest with everyone who stalks my blog ;0)
I wasn’t expectin’ Raney
Everyone in North Carolina knows Raney and her talented
creator Clyde Edgerton. She defined an Eastern North Carolina woman. She set up
the rules for the rest of the world to see:
notice everything, voice your opinion and stick to it no matter how
ridiculous it actually is. Tell a story
about anything in tiny little details no one else notices. Make it funny no
matter what is going on.
There you go.
I love my southern writers-Clyde Edgerton, Kaye Gibbons, Jill McCorkle, Charles Frazier. Contrary to popular belief and our recent
voting records, we aren’t illiterate hicks.
We produce good people. Raney is a good
Southern Baptist girl who marries a librarian from Atlanta. The novel takes
over from there…
I moved up to Connecticut by circumstances out of my control
and for now I am staying in the Connecticut and because of the North I have a
very good life. Whatever she had to say
to me must have been mega important for a freewill Baptist woman to leave her
Eastern NC literary world to come visit me in my woman leased apartment in the
north off a town green…
Hello Miss Newsom
Uh-oh. When you get a Miss and
your Daddy’s name instead of your husband’s name, you are in some kind of
trouble.
I’ll mind my manners-manners get
your farther than acting ugly, trust me.
Hi Raney-want some tea?
Yes thak you.
She
waited. I guess this means I need to get
up and pour her some tea in the middle of the night. She is lucky mint is in
season.I have enough sense to know she wants sweet iced tea and not ask her if she would prefer black, green, or oolong.
Sip sip
Did you use sugar?
No m’am, honey
What?
Nothing…I mean, yes, the most refined white stuff I could find in
the regular grocery store. I didn’t go to the health food place for organic
honey. You are on your way to diabetes. Sip up.
So...What’s this I hear about grey books?
What grey books?
Charles is retiring next year but he says that even in the
library in Listre, North Carolina, they can’t keep these books on the shelves. The wait list is
75 women long. I’m not telling who is on that list either and my husband would hit the
roof if he knew I looked behind his back, but
some of my friends are using fake names like we don’t know their
handwriting. I saw a copy at my sister’s
house and two of my cousins and now my 83 year old aunt had to up her blood
pressure medicine over this. What is going on?
I tried to let my creativity handle the situation:
It’s an art book. Fifty shades of grey-charcoal, pencil, elephant,
rainy skies, generic sweatshirt….
Don’t you get smart with me little missy. And you wonder how
your six year old has an answer for everything?
I know what this Fifty Shades is all about. It's about bedroom stuff.
Well, it’s just one of those things for fun.
Fun?
Yeah, you know…women laughing and acting silly and comparing
notes.
She got quiet. Southern women quiet are dangerous.
Let me read a paragraph.
Excuse me?
Pick one scene for me to read.
Raney-who went to her Myrtle Beach honeymoon prepared with nothing but a talk with her mom and a Bible wants me to pick one paragraph from 50 Shades of Grey for her to read?
OK, here you go….she can compare this to the beach.
Let me get reading glasses.... Honey, how on Earth do you read
off this phone?
Well, that way no one knows what you are reading.
She asked what a couple of the words meant, I figured out how to
explain. I speak good Eastern NC, my grandmother’s people were from New Bern.
Oh my…no we can't be reading this.
How about, instead of throwing a hissy fit when we don’t get
our way, we just say, It is what it is and find another way to have fun?
Girl you have lived up here way too long, you need to pack
and go on home.
See, part of living up here, means no one tells me what to do anymore.
I’m staying and I will read what I want.
Fine young lady, you read your smut. That’s between you and
the Lord. I still don’t know how you have time to read if you are polishing your
grandmother’s silver like you should be. Read on but don’t let me catch you in a casino.
Gulp, shudder…
Sometimes it’s ok to lie to someone who isn’t real anyway.
Yes ma’am.
Be careful around those Yankee men…I wouldn’t let a one of
them in the house if I were you.
Only to fix the sink.
It is what it is…It is what it is…..hmm…I need to go to the mall up in Raleigh and get this
book…I hope Charles is still awake when I get home.
And she left
I hope Charles sends me a bottle of wine with a thank you
note if she reads all of that.
Wow…I always thought if I had a dream about a literary
female, it would be Lisbeth Salander or Cathy Trask from East of Eden, or one
of those over the top bad ass women in Game of Thrones.
I didn’t think it would
be Raney.
Whenever I think too hard about the South, that means a trip
home is in the near future.
I’ll bet those Angels I went to college with could use some
grey….