15: I took the weekend off...

So much to say...and I will say it tomorrow.  Sometimes we have to be still...

14: Pulled into Lent...

My day started like it normally does…

My daughter couldn't find her glasses..she found them, good you can still ride the bus. I have sixty projects to grade why did I give myself so much work…my son is eating applesauce out of a jar…I want to run because I feel gross but my hip is efffing killing me and I finally figured out why and I'm throwing away any pair of shoes older than my youngest child.

Went to pick up the Christmas cards and was so excited to mail them out....was going to address them tonight.  Then I got a call that my daughter's found glasses had one lense missing.  I had to finish a session with some 8th graders before I could go digging in her room for a lense...there it is, let's get back to the computer...

Message after message after message.

Are you ok?  Are you ok?  Are the children ok? 

We can't remember what town in Connecticut you live in...

Texts...Facebook messages...IMs at work....a phone call from my frantic aunt in Raleigh...

And just like that…  within the span of thirty minutes, I was pulled out of Advent and into Lent.

Here I sit in my own house teaching on a laptop, feeling very grateful for my job.  Just last night I wrote about how I love the time off from it so I can explore my other interests.  Now I don't want to. 

I'm in Lent:

• A family is torn apart and left to have to deal with it- his problems are international news. How would you like the world to know your family's secrets?
• I am a teacher.  I have taught in traditional elementary schools before.  I'm not a fire fighter. I'm not a policeman. Schools should be safe.  I feel like I lost colleagues today. 
• I am a mom of small children...enough said...breathe....

 

My phone rang one last time...it was my best friend- "Um, what are you going to say to your kids? I have no clue what to say to mine..."

I thought about it for a moment and this is what I will say to my kids:

Someone very ill didn’t get the help he needed and had access to things he shouldn’t have had.

So when you have an ear ache, you go to the doctor for amoxicillin, and when you have a speech delay, you get speech therapy.  And when you have a child that needs counseling, you find a counselor. 

 One tragedy doesn’t mean another isn’t coming.  I would love to protect my children from everything but I can't.  I never ask "Why?"  I don't.  I always ask, "What Now...."

Connecticut is a beautiful state.  I know the people in Connecticut.  Connecticut Yankees helped this Southern Belle during the darkest days of her life.   We will climb out of this hell.  We will do all in our power to make sure every child is loved and comforted and feels safe.   This state will use the resources it has to make sure that all are counseled and this will not happen again.

Lent is longer than Advent. It isn't happy, and it is very, very miserable.  But it ends.

And I'm going back to Advent in the morning- my three children need it.

 

13: 'Twas the night before the last day before the holidays....

This is my 15th year as a teacher. I've never taken a break.  Well, I did take three maternity leaves (although my administrator  did a happy dance  when my last child was born in July ten days early).   

Every time I tried to quit,  another job fell in my lap. The universe must really want me to teach Spanish.

 I have literally taught all ages, levels, and settings. I'm not exaggerating. I've taught preschool, high school, virtual, brick and mortar, suburban, inner city.....and I never taught a single way I didn't like.

Doesn't matter how old they are or where they live. Doesn't matter if they have an elf on the shelf at home.  Doesn't matter if they celebrate Hannukah, Kwanza, or nothing because they are Jehovah's Witnesses.  Doesn't matter how much they like you as a person, whether they hate Spanish or not.  (I've had several over the years tell me they hate Spanish, but I'm their favorite teacher.)

 I know one thing to be true.

The last day before the holiday break....all the kids go crazy.

No one wants to conjugate a verb, or learn about Las Posadas in Mexico or the Reyes Magos in Spain.

And honestly..I don't want to teach it either...I want to get two weeks off just to be who I am.

I am not the only one who feels this way....even fictional teachers deal with it....here it comes...

In Harry Potter and the Goblet of the Fire, each teacher had a different way to approach the holidays and the dance coming along with it.

Flitwick gave up and let them play charm games.....

Snape gave a test (on poison antidotes no less, talk about a buzz kill)....

Binns just kept droning away about Goblin Rebellions.... (Sidenote- I always found it fascinating that he was such a boring teacher, yet he loved it enough to keep doing it after his death...or perhaps he didn't know what else to do???)

McGonagall was business as usual.....

Tomorrow is my last day for, as my colleague Heidi said, eighteen days off in a row.  My "Student children" are working on some projects they have enjoyed doing and get to present them on the web cams.  That's a good way to end the semester.

THEN my own "personal" children and I are spending the evening baking cookies, lighting Advent candles, watching Christmas Classic movies, and practicing lines for the Christmas pageant. Wouldn't you know it, Kenneth begged for a speaking part?  By the time he finishes 5th grade he will probably  have played everybody.  I know I did.  It makes for good memoir writing. :0)

We need to come up with a special name for the last day of school before the holidays!  Other than "last day of school" of course....

Witty and clever suggestions are always welcome....

12:How many other women...

While everyone else is enjoying the fun of 12.12.12, I can say I have always enjoyed December 12th.  It's el Dia de Guadalupe!   It has been since she appeared before the Peasant Juan Diego.   In our modern Quack world, it's the day I come up with something  about Mary...

This is just my opinion, but....

She really should be the one and only star of the Christmas story. 

 My girlfriend Austin always tells women "Happy Birth into motherhood day to you!" on the birthdays of their children.  

She is right.  (Did you read that Austin???)

Really, it's Mary's day.  His comes later, trust me, but his birth should belong to HER. 

Think about it....

How many other women can say they found out they were pregnant six months into it? My friends knew I was pregnant when I ordered decaf coffee and passed on Margarita night.

How many other women had to travel on a donkey to another town? I flew round trip to Atlanta in one day for a wedding-that was hard enough.

How many other women were told they had to give birth behind an inn and put the baby in a feeding trough? I scheduled a c-section.  Seriously, I didn't have a single contraction until the third baby decided he wanted to show me what I had been missing at three am....I still can't believe you guys choose that on purpose.

How many other women had random visitors coming to take a look at her and her child? I would have told all those men to get the heck out....

I am the Quack, Mary is not. 


SO....


This is a little shout out to all moms everywhere....be strong like Mary.  Whatever God gives you, tell Him it will be according to his word.

That's all for tonight.

I have two more days of work and then my blog posts will be much longer, deeper, and funnier. 

I promise. 

How many other women can?

11: Cookie Party!

Every year is different and this year I am in more of a visual story telling mood.

We went to  a cookie decorating party with some friends last week.  All the cookies were cut and baked and the icing was placed in special tubes for each child.  All the kids were given two cookies:

Each child had a different approach to the job.....

Kenneth was neat and meticulous- he didn't get any icing anywhere but on his cookies. He found some on his elbow but went to wash it right away. He had a plan and patterns in mind as he decorated.

Lowell was a big fat mess. Talk about two brothers being night and day.  It was in his hair, on his stomach, I even wiped some out of his ear.

And Frances did her cookies and then wanted to move to the next thing:

This is the way they approach just about any project we encounter- homework, board games, a day at the beach....

Amazing what you can tell about a person by the way they decorate a cookie. 

10: I used to make fun....

Is it really necessary to decorate for every single holiday?

I mean really, who has that kind of time?

What fluff...

I save my gingerbread houses for January snow days.... I like to hear them scream they got something in their nose while I am trying to teach.

Christmas Coffee Mugs with chicks and bunnies.....

 

Mom!  I need a napkin! Now!!!!

I might donate my shoes- but save the boxes for Valentine's day- Keep them with the Easter baskets and the Halloween Spider.

We have been known to eat off Easter egg plates in the middle of Advent- I hope that isn't like eating meat during Lent.

 

What is with these crazy moms that do these things?  Get a hobby........

Rule number one about being a mommy during the holidays?  No judging....





9: The 2nd Sunday in Advent Hitchcock Shock

After four years up here nothing should shock me....

BUT.......

When I stopped at a crosswalk this afternoon for an elderly couple to cross the street, the guy behind me flipped me off and drove around me, almost hitting the couple.

Both of the elderly people flipped him off with not one but both of their fingers-so five birds were in the air.

I in turn roll down my window and asked everyone to remember my kids were in the car and we were coming home from church, so please knock off the rude hand gestures......I figured while everybody was doing what they wanted I should express my desires too.


Anway, I was shocked.  But probably not nearly as much as the audience was in 1960 when they went to see Psycho.

I didn't get to see Psycho for the first time in a theater.  I saw it during an Alfred Hitchcock snow day marathon in 1999 back when I taught in the North Carolina school systems.  You just didn't leave your house until all the snow was gone, so by the fifth day I was catching up on classics: Rear Window, North by Northwest, The Birds, Vertigo, and Psycho.

I grew up knowing Norman Bates was the bad guy- the psycho. I wish I could have been twenty in 1960, thinking it was his mother and then being "Shocked" with the twist ending.  Of course, my children's father had to lean over and whisper Bruce Willis is dead in my ear when we went to see The Sixth Sense, so maybe I wouldn't have understood the mental hospital ending anyway.

The cool thing right now seems to be to make a movie about how quirky it was to make a movie.  This started with My Week with Marilyn.  This movie focused on Hitchcock making Psycho and his  relationship with his wife.

It isn't easy being married to a genius-that doesn't shock me.  It isn't easy when the people funding your projects want you to tweak what you are doing- that doesn't shock me either. 

I sure am glad he listened to his wife Alma when she said the shower scene needed music and please Darling, just listen to this score just once.......

The God gave in to the Godess-now that did shock me a little.

OK...so, the second Sunday in Advent is for Peace.  I went to the movies and wanted to find a way to bring it all together, despite the fact that the movie was about the making of Psycho.  The Hitchcocks were able to work together and turn a horror story into a pop culutre canon classic-does that count as peace?

 And while I am at it, there is one thing I am glad my children are learning in the north. Sometimes, when someone is being rude, you let them know they were rude.  Even if I was raised to always be polite....

I hope I didn't shock you.

8: Dan Zanes Holiday Sing-A-Long

Everyone needs  "LET'S DO IT!" Friends.  Run a marathon?  Let's do it! Spend the day wandering around Providence?  Let's do it! 

Go into the city for the Dan Zanes and Friends Holiday sing-a-long ? 

Nah...what a pain...  the kids would whine on the train and have to go to the bathroom and then there is all the waiting around...and we would have to watch them on the streets. Let's just watch Dan videos on Playhouse Disney, that's safer. 

It's Christmas and everything will be over the top crowded and expensive.  Who is going to care in five years anyway?

Just kidding...LET'S DO IT!!!!!!

Dan Zanes is a musician from Brooklyn who really wants parents to enjoy music with their kids. Last year he and his musical friends had their first holiday sing-a-long in New York.  Because it was such a success, they did it again!

I'm always paranoid when my kids are involved that I'm going to make a mistake.  Like I thought I bought tickets for Dan Zanes but it is going to be a different musician or we showed up on the wrong day.  But I was right!  My name was on the list and I had my ID-in we go with five kids and upfront seats......

All the families were given sing-a-long booklets. He really meant it-he wanted to hear us sing with him.  Guess who passed out the books?

Dan himself!!!

My friend said to my daughter, "LOOK Frances! It's Dan Zanes!" She was frozen in her spot.  He smiled and handed me the booklet.  He said later he could spend his time in hair and makeup or interacting with fans and friends. I'm glad he makes the choices he makes.

The songs were awesome- my children were dancing along and singing to Jingle Bells.  He kept the kids engaged with great questions, "Who plays an instrument?  Who wishes they could?"  "Who speaks Spanish? Who wants to learn?"  As silly and interactive as it was, he ended it with Silent Night, to calm the kids down.  My kids were making friends with kids around them-how often does that happen in the big city?  What a wonderful, talented way to spend a Saturday!!!


My daughter struggles with who is real and who isn't.  I'm really glad she had a chance to meet someone real, and that he takes the time for his fans to have special events like this.

A lot of his songs are about enjoying every moment and opening the door to every new day!

I live my life like a Dan Zanes song.  Never say "No, let's stay home."  ALWAYS say, "Let's do it!"

7: This is how I try to watch the Office

OK...Ok..this is it. The last Christmas Episode ever..... NO more Jim, Pam, Angela, Oscar...the gang is leaving me forever. No more Scranton-no more only mockumentary I enjoy that wasn't made by Christopher Guest. I had just had a baby when this show premiered...ah nostalgia.


I will have all three children asleep by nine. And I don't want to hear it from a single uber perfect mommy who has all three out cold by seven after they recite a Bible story.

Tonight is choir night so the girl has to be there and my student council member must be back at school and the little one is coughing.....

All three take a bath and have their homework done.... the time is 8:15 I can do this...

Daughter: You know, I think I want to re-arrange my room.

And she pulls out everything all over the place and reorganizes dresses and dolls and finds one Christmas gift I thought I had hidden well.


Middle Son: They didn't feed us at student council.... what???? My child hasn't had dinner? AHHHHHH so he eats while the other one is rearranging stuffed animals by color instead of Disney movie.

Every body has brushed teeth...little one is asleep no problem....

Why are you in such a hurry to get us to bed?

Hurry? There is no hurry?

You want to watch something on television...

No I don't

I think I'll sleep in your bed tonight....

GO TO SLEEP KENNETH

I have the television ready...and I don't hear a sound...

OMG it's the stupid parental control...it goes on every time a new show starts... Where is the remote? Where is the remote???? What is the code? I can't believe I didn't punch it in right.....

There we go.... Crap I missed the intro...whatever I'll watch it online.

Ahhhh Christmas with Dunder Mifflin. What memories that don't involve my own dysfunctional family stories. The place I learned about the Yankee Swap/Steal game. Where Angela and Phyllis fought over party planning. When Michael wore his Jesus costume...when Michael put himself in the girlfriend's Christmas card...ha ha ha....

Let's see...

How does that idiot not know about Die Hard.... Well, maybe I'm being mean.. I might not have paid attention either if Snape wasn't the bad guy..nice, great...love it when Dwight gets a chance to shine. Krampus...we all know who he is now how clever of these writers as it is December 6th. I'll miss them more than the actual actors.

And I hear a giggle from the other room. Kenneth is laughing at the Office.

GO TO SLEEP!

But this is funny...

The last season of the Office and Kenneth laughed. At an all new episode NOT in syndication. I haven't been so happy since he laughed all the way through Andy Griffith's What is was, was football recording.

Merry Christmas to me!!!!!

Perhaps there will be a spin off in Philadelphia???

6: St. Nicholas Day

St. Nicholas has his feast today, December 6th. Children put out their shoes and he leaves candy or a small toy.

 Every year I plan to put together some cute little thing to put in their shoes for St. Nicholas day. I can never find the right shoes or the right trinket. Then we can never find the pair we need or we discover someone just outgrew a very expensive pair.  Shoes are not a laughing matter.

My girlfriend Kara has it together:

Three beautiful little girls, three adorable pairs of shoes, look at the ribbons on the cookie bags!  I LOVE this! Next year...I swear...I will do it.

This year was not without happy shoe moments at our house.....

In October, I took Frances to the Soundrunner to buy her first pair of real running shoes on her birthday. We ran around the green with some friends.  As we were laying out her clothes for PE day one night, she said, "PE shoes are great, but I think I need a pair of art shoes, and music day shoes, and I really need a completely different pair for library day too mom."  The diva in her is too much for me to take.

I asked the kids what we should do special this holiday season for anyone in need, and Kenneth immediately said, "SHOES!  Could you imagine having nothing on your feet?"  We collected every pair of shoes we had outgrown and the amount was enormous. 

What shocked me was how many pairs of running shoes I went through training for a marathon:

Our shoes are headed  to Soles4Souls.  They prefer new and slightly used donations. Here is another list of places you can send your old shoes.   You should check them out-especially if you are one of my running buddies!

I think St. Nicholas would be very proud of us- and next year I'll make sure they get a treat!

5: Best Christmas Pose Ever!!!!!

This is the best way to get the perfect Christmas picture:

Invisible Kids!  Aren't they clean?  Aren't they all smiling? Nobody is fighting, kicking, or scratching!

I should have done this the first time around:

Frances and Jeremy, 2004

The ornaments are more fun than the picture...

4: You just need a pedicure

Sometimes I suffer from psycho mom syndrome.

One of them has to be at dance and the other has basketball and the third one asked for a playdate at a house on the other side of town and didn't I promise them we could go to the new yogurt place. Then everybody has to have homework done and folders checked and beep there is another email and three more students left voicemails about their midterms and the library books are overdue.

The last straw was when I dropped everybody off at the right place and had an hour to myself. I was going through the ATM machine line when I hear a voice in the car behind me...

PAAAGGEEE can you pull over and talk about this committe for a few minutes?

Are you kidding me?  I can't go anywhere in town...ever....ahhhhhhh

The solution is NOT to cancel all activities and plug them into various technology devices.  The answer is to pull out a gift certificate you have for a ...

PEDICURE

That's what a woman wants in her stocking- a card for a pedicure.

Think about when you can use it:

After a bad parent/teacher conference- either as the parent or the teacher- Pedicure
Forgot to take the garbage out because the kids were screaming and you hear the guy come and go at six am? -Pedicure.

Is your local art cinema so small they aren't releasing the coolest independent movie coming out this year? -Pedicure

Another mother driving you crazy with her high heels and perfect hair at eight am when you know she doesn't work?  -PEDICURE

You just ran 26.2 miles  or ANY mileage that was your long term goal?  PEDICURE

Think about it-you aren't just having your toes painted.

You also:

Sit in a message chair

Soak your feet in foamy water

Have a hot stone leg and foot massage

Read for fun....I once took a professional development book, but that was STUPID.

Get free therapy from a nail technician that knows what she is talking about-mine made me promise never to date from a certain area again.... 

Now, this is the gift giving and the holiday season, but I still have to say it:

STAY AWAY FROM NEGATIVE NANCY!!!!!!!!!!!

You know, the women who are going to crash your plan? I can hear them now:

Well….you could get hepatitis.

I don't have the time for that...I don't have that money....blah blah blah

This may not be in the spirit of the holiday season, but screw them.

If you get bored one day, go to the OPI website.  Click on "Try it on" and play around with the hand and polish colors, but pretend it is your feet.  I don't do manicures.  I might some day when my kids are grown and I don't have to dig in dirt, but until then, I'll settle for pampered feet.

Page's Pamper Pick for 2012?  The Pedicure...

What better Christmas present would that be?

So what if it’s winter time…go anyway and know your feet look nice under the snow boots you are wearing as you slosh to the preschool coatroom from now  until May.

I'll see you at the salon!

3: Tree Lighting, wreaths, and home...

All events in New England revolve around the time of year.  When it’s time for the fair, it’s time for the fair.  When it’s time for the Easter Egg Hunt, it’s time for the egg hunt. Memorial day weekend the beaches open up.  I wonder what would happen if we skipped a ritual?   We wouldn't have much to do until the next thing.

So it is with the tree lighting. Nothing stops our little town from bundling up in the dark to count backwards from ten and light up the tree on the green.

Churches and local businesses have their own activities going on tree lighting night- I didn't take a single marketing class but I have enough sense to know that is good idea.  Our church youth group always sells wreaths and hot chocolate.  I have always helped them on the fringe, but this year, the woman who normally organizes the event was in Germany.

Hmmmmm who would you ask to organize the middle school wreath and hot chocolate sale if the woman who normally does it takes a nice long cruise down the Rhine?

My three children saw the answer: "OH NO MOMMY!  NO SUE?  THE SALE IS CANCELED!"

Thanks babies...from the bottom of my heart.  I'm glad she had more faith in me than my own three children.

She even had a way of giving me such a motivitional, inspirational talk, there was no way I could turn her down. 

Thanks to a lot of checklists and google docs, the set up and wreath making went well.

Thanks to fifteen years of teaching middle schoolers, wreath sales and clean up went well.  I did tell three of my "Salesmen" to go run around the green for fifteen minutes and come back when they were calm.  That was brilliant. :0)

Thanks to my church being incredibly family oriented, a group of us went out on the green to watch the tree, and a group that didn't care for dark crowds in the cold stayed inside.  Guess which one my daughter chose?

This year I broke my own rule.  I actually had cash and let the boys buy plastic blinking Christmas swords.  Call it giving in.  Call it props for when they play Nutcracker/Mouse King.  Call it I've been watching this show called Revolution and now I always play the "What if we lose power and society falls and what will they remember" game.  But they were both running around waving swords.  That is actually how they recognized fellow classmates in the dark.  Good idea afterall.

Just like every year since way before I ever heard of this small town called Guilford, everyone started the count down and my boys started to chant:

Guilford Rocks!  Guilford Rocks!  Guilford Rocks!

Yes, yes it does.

 I had a job at the tree lighting.

 After all was said and done, we skipped home in hats and mittens and blinking swords.  Now I really live here....didn't see that coming. :0)

2: Making the Advent wreath.

It only took nine years, but all three kids can now sit through a Rite II Eucharist service.  This is a big deal considering one of them couldn't go into a crowded room at all ever just four years ago.  Thanks to a couple of social stories and practicing at home, they get the general idea of what is happening and when.

We have also talked about how we don't knock the knealers over on people's feet and we smile and say good morning to everyone.  The BIGGEST accomplishment of all is getting them to understand that during a homily when the preist asks a question, he or she doesn't really want an answer, although we can usually come up with one.

Yay for the team!

Since we can sit through a service, why not try an after church activity on a day there is no Sunday School?

The Sunday after Thanksgiving is the Sunday we make Advent wreaths for home.  I have blogged about the Advent Wreath before.  I was joking about it, but maybe we should make the wreath and light the candles.  Anyone can put up a tree, right?  How many people can say they light the Advent candles?  That is a lot easier for me than making sure all my ornaments are in symetrical formation with coordinating bows and lights.

Each family was to bring their own greenery.  Well, one good thing hurricane Sandy brought us was some fallen down pine branches. Every one wanted a turn with the clippers, but no one lost a finger during the fight. I tried to remind them we were cutting the greenery for our Advent wreath and did we want to start the season off wrestling for pine needles, really?

Like my Moravian Great-Grandmother, we added important symbols from the year amongst the greens, pinecones, and candles:

 

Page: A movie ticket stub from New York City and a sea shell with 26.2 on it.

Kenneth: A snake for reptile studies and legos.

Lowell: A train and a crayon covered in glitter .

Frances: A fashion barbie purse and a tea cup.

The first Sunday in Advent is now over and the candle was lit no problem and there was no fighting over who got to use the lighter. 

We were well represented.

Now on to that tree....

1: Advent: The Ambush that we didn't see coming

For a third year in a row, I'm going to give you twenty-five Advent Quacks.  This year I was hesitant. How is it possible to come up with twenty-five new reflections?  Then I remembered two things.  First, every Pastor, Minister, and Priest all over the world has to come up with some new take on the holiday for a church service-so I can create twenty five stories, right?  Second, I am never in the same place at the same time ever, so I should be able to come up with a new reflection.

I took a moment to think about what Advent meant to me personally, the writer of this blog. The first year, it meant "wait."  Last year, it meant I was about to become someone new. 

This year..This year...this year...I gave up and consulted a thesaurus with the word "Wait". 

 Guess which one sprang out at me?

AMBUSH-.. the act of waiting in a concealed position in order to launch a surprise attack.

In a battle, this means one side would have quite a bit of patience and time and strategy and the other side would be quite surprised.

That is perfect.....
'

This year, like an ambush,  I think the holidays came out of nowhere. 

Part of this is my fault. I had other things going on-mostly a marathon.  On a more ordinary time level, I changed curriculums at work.  Any teacher knows the first year of a new curriculum is a massive undertaking.

Then we had a hurricane that knocked out the power and post-poned Halloween. Just because one holiday is delayed doesn't mean the other two biggies are a week behind too.

The holidays and the weather and the election all were one big ambush.

Over and over again we say,  "Wow...sure didn't see that coming..."

Let's keep going with the didn't see it coming theme:


On the nativity level, they didn't see it coming:

Mary: Um...I'm sixteen and a virgin and I'm pregnant....Didn't see that coming.

Joseph: Um...she's pregnant...it wasn't me... I think I'll pass on marriage...but I'll do it quick and not humiliate her.... OK  I  just had a funky dream and changed my mind... Didn't see that coming...

Both: No room in an inn? So we are going to have a baby in a stable....lovely...Didn't see that coming...

On my level:

I didn't see a lot of things coming this year, or ever...but I sure am glad they came.

A marathon? Didn't see it coming...
Southern Belle in the north?  didn't see it coming
Staying here on my own?  didn't see that coming

 I'm glad Christmas is coming.  If for no other reason, than because I get to write for twenty five days in a row!

I'm going to take it from that angle this year. Things that I didn't see coming are going to weave in and out of the next twenty five days.  Don't worry-there will be all kinds of comedy, reflections, and gift giving tips too.

I hope you saw this coming...

Back to the Future.... 20 miles down...

Note: I have been writing a LOT, just not posting.  I wrote this a few weeks ago and now I'm adding it:


Last week I got so irritated with my three contributions to the universe I unplugged the television and put it in my room.  This was a wonderful idea until I plugged it back in and couldn't get it to work so my friend came over and fixed it.  Ok, so we won't be that dramatic again.  Thanks again Ted....

Plugged in or not, there is no screen time on school nights. I try to set a good example with this and turn my laptop off at four when the workday is over and leave it off until they are asleep.  We really need to unplug. All of us, as a society.  But not until after you read my posts.


I have decided Fridays are movie nights.  All four of us must watch it and I pick the movie.  They are old enough for good movie taste.  It is a skill that is acquired.  Garbage in, garbage out.....good movies in, good movies out...

What did we start with?

 Back to the Future....

Why? 

Why?  They got their television back and they are mad they can't watch some dumb cartoon with talking animals?  They have graduated to the art of identifying the components of a good screenplay, why are they asking me why?

I should be a militant mommy and say "Because I said so..." but I want them to remember what I say later when it comes to film so I give them better answers.  And no, I didn't say, "Because we are movie snobs and the average American wouldn't know a good film if..." well anyway, I do the right thing.

We watched it because it's about time travel and scientists and messing with your parents.  Who wouldn't want to watch that?

Sounds good, doesn't it?

As good as it sounds, it was so pre-2001. You don't give terrorists bombs made out of pinball machine parts, or anything else for that matter.   And everyone DO NOT start yelling at me for making light, I am merely making a point about the 80s versus now. :p

Even Kenneth, born 2005, knew that....

Plutonium?  Really?  He did not try to trick the bad guys, you never try to trick a bad guy...

Lowell had a few concerns about time travel scenes:

No mom, not the 50's...I think they were going back to the 90s. Yes, he must mean the 90s.....

I'm just going to ignore the math going on in my four year olds head, because ignoring things has always worked for me in the past.

Kenneth couldn't stop talking, I assume he gets this from me:

Scientists are not the freaks living on the outside of town. They have a different set of eyes.  They aren't crazy, we are seeing them the wrong way.  Fine son, justify it that way.  

Let's not forget the Flux Capacitor, Kenneth had to open his mouth about that:

The Flux Capacitor- that's an interesting schema.

What's a schema? 

Why did I ask?  Why didn't I just nod and say, "You are right son..." not knowing exactly what he was talking about.

It's when you have an idea in your head already....so you draw it, and then you look at it, and keep going with your idea.

 I am so sick of having to google what my child says and finding out he is right. But on the other hand, I love the public schools up here.

Frances had her own observations:

What's the deal with all the clocks?  Do we have that many clocks?  Where is his iphone?

 Remind me to buy a clock for the wall just to say we have one.

All three of them LOVED to hate Biff.  They totally cheered George on and while I am desperately trying to curtail the light saber action in this house, I did explain that pulling Biff off Lorraine and punching him out was the RIGHT thing to do.  I can't wait for them to see him in part II with the sports records...

Pay attention to Dr. Brown on the clock tower!  This scene is pop culture Hollywood canon!!!

Mom, that is a zipline...  What a way to make a connection.

Maybe Christopher Lloyd was the reason it became so popular in the States? 

The final question of the night:  Could you three imagine meeting me as a teenager?

Kenneth:   I'm sure you weren't any different than you are now.

Frances: Probably not, maybe she was worse because she wasn't in charge.

Lowell:  I love you mommy.  That third one is up to something, I know it.

Smart kids...

No need for me to go back in time, they weren't there.


P.S.-I ran twenty miles on my birthday, and that wouldn't have happened in the past. :0)

ParaNorman

 

 

Me to my three contributions to the universe:  ParaNorman got really high reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, who's in?

Kenneth: ME!

Frances: NO WAY I don't do zombies...

Lowell: ME!

P: Are you sure? it’s going to be scary.....

L: I want to see the zombies....

Well, it is rated PG, how scary is it, really?

Fine... the boys and I go, and we do our thing...we know how to buy tickets in a line and we know to use the bathrooom and we know we don't play video games or ask for snacks...

Kick it up a notch:

So boys, what theater are we looking for?

Number 9....

we find 3, 7, 11.....I think they put them out of order to annoy me..

Finally...there is the 9, with a poster of our movie by it and.....

Lowell starts shaking like a leaf over the poster, not the movie, not a trailer, a poster. 

This kid sat through all kinds of Superhero and Transformer and Ben Ten whatever, but ParaNorman seems to be the limit.

Lowell: Ok mommy, I changed my mind I want to go home now.

It is such a bummer to be a third child, I really feel for them and thank God everyday I'm the oldest.

P: Um… I already bought the ticket.  The 3D tickets, we can't really just go home.  Why don't you try it?

Lowell:  I....I....

K: Really Lowell?  You can't watch zombies?  I can watch zombies...

Lowell  was suddenly  torn between wanting to run out the exit door and hanging with his older brother.  Not a good place to be.  We went inside with him holding on to me for dear life.

He perfected the watch and hide technique.  He would sit in my lap for some of it and then hide under his seat like a turtle.  Again, with the third child...I didn't wipe the floor off.

I did feel it was my obligation to tell him he was doing a diservice to the film.

P: Sweetie, you are missing really good dialogue-that’s when two people talk to each other…and whoever wrote it did a brilliant job...

Lowell: I don’t care

I tried one more time:

P: Angel baby, this is a really good special effect … we could make our own puppets and use the iPhone….

L: Mom, I’ll just hide under this seat, ok?

I'll give this to Lowell. Even under his plush red seat,  he laughed at the more intelligent jokes.  He still can't get over the humus bit.

All right, he is fine.

So I turned my attention to the other guy I was with. Why don't I do this in real life?

He was much more into it.

Kenneth: "Mom!  This is awesome!  Thank you thank you thank you!!!  See that zombie!  The judge.  He reminds me of William Shakespeare...

Now that's more like it.

I started whispering him about the movie and explained the references to other movies.

Such as:

Friday the 13th
The Exorcist
The Sixth Sense
The Others
The Uninvited
28 Days Later
all the Zombie films I never watched...

Kenneth: Awesome mom-how old do I have to be to watch those?

P: Ummmm I'm not sure, I know some people pushing forty that won't watch any of those now.  We'll talk as you get older.

Kenneth: Ok, but maybe we should quit whispering now.

Righto

As the movie progressed and the plot developed, Lowell climbed out from under his seat and cheered the hero/underdog on.  All types of kids who are different and misunderstood were represented.  One scene in that movie is going to annoy the hell out of certain conservative groups.  YAY!!!!

On the way home we discussed the movie and a little about the Salem Witch Trials which are referenced in the film.

Some parts of history just can't be grasped by six year olds:

Kenneth: The Salem Witch Trials- wait what?  In America? Really?

Must google book for children about the Salem Witch Trials-perhaps there is a Magic Treehouse....

Best things to come away with:

1) The boys want to hear "Little Ghost" by White Stripes over and over again right now. Stay for the closing credits.  Thank God I like folk music.

2) It's one thing for other people to be afraid of your differences, but your family should love you, support you,  and roll with it.

3) My mom reminded me that my children have no interest in Tim Burton's Frankenweenie coming out in October.

I asked them about it when we got home:

P: What’s deal with that boys?  ParaNorman yes, Frankenweenie, No?

Kenneth: We’re men-we mix our messages...

Lowell: Yeah-like my zombies....

Ain’t that the damn truth…

Enjoy your differences…let it roll.

A Happy Harry Potter Day....

*Warning and Disclaimer: I am a Harry Potter fan and have the right to write what I want. If it is too over the top for you and you can’t enjoy the entertainment of it-go read a foodie recipe blog and leave me alone.

Now….My Happy Harry Potter Day….

July 31, 2012- Harry Potter is 32 today.  It has been 15 years since he defeated the Dark Lord…wow.  That was the same year I graduated from college, got married, and started teaching in the public schools.  He and I sure have grown up.  Here I am in New York City..by myself.  I don’t have to be anywhere or answer to anyone. I have a ticket for Potted Potter tonight at seven. My ticket stub will say July 31^st. Yay!!!

But what to do with an entire day for Harry Potter?  I’m not in London, but this is New York. I can find something Potter-like  to do. 

He was the Gryffindor Seeker-flying on a broom up high in the air….I need to hit the Empire State Building.  Sure, millions of tourists come up this high every year just to pretend they are watching a Quidditch match-right? They must.  I can’t be the only person who thought this.  I waited in the line and I walked the six flights from floor 80 to 86 because I thought it would be good cross training. I looked at all the views-no Quidditch, but I was up high. 

What next???

Hmmmm…Harry could speak Parsletongue.  He got mad and set a boa constrictor loose on his cousin.

 It was time to hit the Central Park zoo.

I saw all the snakes and not a one of them winked at me. That is actually a good thing, because if one of them had I would know for sure I was completely crazy. 

I was trying to find 3rd street after that, and stumbled across…

Dylan’s Candy Bar

Honeyduke’s anyone?  Harry spent many a Galleon on the candies that only exist in the wizarding world.  I doubted I could find a Chocolate Frog that really jumped or Pepper Imps that would make me breathe fire or a Fizzing Whizbee  so I could levitate.  Instead,  I found lots of yummy treats that would force me to run not one but two marathons if I ate them all at once.

It was an awesome candy shop.  My only complaint is the name candies.  They never have my name spelled correctly and forget any of my children.  That’s not a completely bad thing if your goal is to be different.  So I’ll just drop it.

What they did have was an entire wall of Jelly Bellys-the Muggle equivalent of Bertie Bott’s.   I mixed my own bag of every flavor beans… popcorn, espresso coffee, margarita..:0)

All those sweets made me hungry for lunch.  What would Harry Potter have on his birthday?  He wouldn’t have a hotdog or a pizza slice.  He wouldn’t grab a gyro on the run.  I needed to find a pub.

I’ll try the Room of Requirement incantation and see what happens: I need to find a pub, I need to find a pub, I need to find a pub…

Just like that, an Irish one appeared out of nowhere.  Hmmmm Harry lived in Little Whinging and his house is now in London. Hogwarts is up in Scotland..but Seamus Finnegan came from Ireland!!!! Yay!  Ireland has a presence in the magical world-I can eat there.

Since I was alone, the hostess told me to sit at the bar.  I ordered the Shepherd’s pie and a Guinness for Harry Potter.

I didn’t notice the guy sitting next to me until he asked about the Olympic soccer match.

The small talk continued about what I done that morning and the play I was going to that night.  He looked at me, he looked at my candy bag, and he looked at the Guinness.

Then he said, “Are you on a Harry Potter mission today?”

“Yes.”  Since he figured it out why lie?

“Well, I’m a middle school English teacher –aren’t you glad you didn’t sit down next to an investment banker that would have thought you were crazy?”

“Uh…maybe?”

“What’s the next thing on your Harry Potter agenda?”

I had originally planned on having my red lochs blown dry straight like Hermione did before the Yule Ball with the Sleekeazy Hair Potion, but I wasn’t going to tell him that.

“Nothing until Potted Potter tonight at seven.”

“Would you like Irish Pub hop for Harry? I will have you at your theater in time for your play.”

Now everyone please don’t freak-I’m smart.  While he went to the bathroom,  I Googled his school-there he was in the English department.  The Room of Requirement sent me an English teacher that understood it was July 31^st.  Never leave home without your iPhone.

My favorite part of the hop was McSorley’s-it’s a famous place-Seamus Finnegan would be proud….

 Yes…I made it to my play and it was AWESOME.  The Potted Potter parody is another example of how the fans can take the Potter world and make it their own.  These comedians took each book and told the story in seventy minutes with a lot of props, witty one-liners, and a Quidditch match in the middle.

You don’t have to go to the UK to have a Harry Potter day!

 All my stubs and receipts from that day say the 31^st and reflect something from the Harry Potter world.

From now on, July 31^st is better by than my own birthday. 

What a Patronus full of happy memories….

Ted...seriously, yes... Ted :0)

Ok kids are going to have some much needed Daddy time and I’m going to have some much needed movie time.

I already have a plan...

Beasts of the Southern Wild ….Beasts of the Southern Wild. I am so excited I have been waiting for this...finally a phenomenal film with a child actress....and it isn't playing on the shoreline.  This movie art house advertises before it knows for sure they are going to send the film.  The manager and I already had this fight once over The Skin I live in.  I won't yell at him again, I'll just find something in Branford to watch.

What to see?  My daughter texts me from her father's phone while I am searching my movie app. I hate it when a text pops up in the middle of something else.

Mommy... I need my teddybear...can you bring it it daddy's house? I left it across the street during the fireworks party.

Because she is my only daughter and I want her one day to tell a therapist that she loves me, I went over to my neighbor's house, got the bear, and drove it to her father's house.

What don't we do for our bears?  I mean daughters....

Sign from God as to which film would get the privilege of my undivided attention.  I need a bear.

Is there a movie out about a bear?

It isn't Winnie the Pooh, it isn't Paddington...I need a bear movie.

There is one bear movie out there...

Ted

I can't go see "Ted." I have rules, I have standards...I have one too many friends that will roll their eyes at me over this.  The last time I saw a comedy as such was The Waterboy when one of my 8th graders wrote an essay in Spanish about how she could watch it all day every day.  How could I not check that out? 

But back to Ted...hmmm I can't..I want to,  I can't....I want to..

Loop hole...loop hole there has to be a loop hole that will allow me, Page, the only sixth grader that fully appreciated Raising Arizona, to see Ted.

I have it....

Giovanni Ribisi is in it. I'll go see anything with Giovanni.  Lost in Translation, Boiler Room, Avatar, Cold Mountain...I got this.  I can't not see Giovanni on the big screen. I didn't realize there was an animated teddy bear involved too.  That's what I'll tell people.  It was for Giovanni.

The audience was mostly male. I have very rarely seen men sitting together in films.  That was awesome within itself.

A mostly male audience is not there for Giovanni Ribisi...at least I hope they aren't....

Ok...this is like David Sedaris or Avenue Q. You can divide the audience up by who laughs when.  Some people are going to laugh at the crude jokes and others are going to laugh at the more intelligent ones.  Everything is on a spectrum-autism, nutrition, and humor.

But I was RIGHT in my reasoning behind going to see the film.

Giovanni Ribisi stole the movie. I mean he might as well have said, "OK everybody, I'll take over from here and make this movie watchable."  and he did.

The end of it turned into a Romantic Comedy and those make me want to throw up, no matter how many drugs we see a teddy bear do.  This is America-we must have our magic rainbow happy ending. Fine. I knew that when I bought the ticket. 

Overall, I laughed enough to make it worth it.  Grazie Giovanni.  I need to take an Italian class.

Since I wasn't being the movie snob this time, someone else filled the position. I had a friend ask me what I thought of the movie, and I told him.

 Maybe I should have lied. Maybe I should have said I walked out after I realized that Mark Whalberg was 35 and working for a rental car place and smoking pot with his stuffed teddy bear and still freaked during thunderstorms. I most definitely should have said I only went because the Coen Brothers don't have anything new and I have already memorized the latest Woody Allen...

But I didn't say that, I gave my Giovanni speech.

Oops....

then was told, "The 13 year olds must be seeing it twice and three times because it is making crazy money.  I am annoyed by comedy movie conventions that seem to be there.  I will see it on cable probably."

Ouch-is this how I sound to other people when I don't like a movie that I haven't seen yet?  If I do, awesome!!!!!

I have a new movie snob hero to look up to...but in the mean time...

Go see whatever you want to see for whatever the reason you feel moved to see it.  Be prepared for others to want to see something else or wait for it to be in the free movie section on Demand.

I still prefer Boogie Nights...I'll bet one or two of the men there did too.


P.S.- I ran 16 miles..seriously, yes sixteen :0)

Ice Age and the next level

I firmly believe that if you want kids to do something, you have to make it part of who they are.  If you want them to eat in restaurants, you have to take them to restaurants. If you want them to read, read to them.  If you want them to behave in a theater, keep taking them to movie theaters.  This is not rocket science.

We can safely say that we have mastered the social setting of the cinema.  We have executive functioning and behavioral task analysis down when it comes to Hollywood and Independent art houses.  I don't have to take the earmuffs anymore.  We know the social story by heart and flow through the steps like any kids with a competent mom on a summer afternoon at a theater.

In even BIGGER news-we have mastered the sharing of a popcorn bucket.  One child sits on my lap with the bucket while the other two are on either side of me and the whole thing is gone half way through the film. We don't add butter, not because I am uber super healthy mommy, but because Kenneth freaks if anything touches anything he eats-no butter, no ketchup, zilch.  Four people sharing a bucket.  That's two dollars a person. Proud of my math or what?


We decided on Ice Age: Continental Drift.  This would be the fourth installment and they aren't direct to video yet.  I am not big on these movies, but...Ok, Ok...let's do it.  I'll pretend every time I hear Dennis Leary's voice I'm watching Rescue Me.

Previews are spotty-Lowell hides under the chair for most of them.  We want to see the Hobbit but Mama is going solo to Frankenweenie.

Lovely, bravo...we did it...mother of three can leave the house every now and then without making a scene!!!

What do we do when skills are mastered?  We take it to the next level and re-write the family goals.

Now that I can leave the house and watch a movie, we are going to discuss the movie afterwards.

Rule number one I want them to always remember: movies are meant for the big screen-not the little one.  The point of a movie is to go BIG!  You are doing a disservice to the writer/director/actors if you wait for DVD.   I think they got it.


I made them answer these questions if they wanted ice cream for desert:

What happened?  Give me the plot of the whole thing.

Who were the characters? (It helps to have a poster or a picture or a McDonald's Happy Meal if you swing that way...)

What did we learn about friendship and family?

What were the funny parts?  The comic relief?

What was scary?

We went over all of this and I think they got it. I'm not putting down their answers because I really don't want to spoil the surprise of the film...ha.

I made the mistake of asking, "Did anyone else notice anything we didn't talk about?"

Why did I do that?

Kenneth had to pipe up.  I knew he would.  I asked the question and he isn't going to let anything go.  Maybe I should have just let them go run around the backyard and swat bugs with ice cream bars in their free hands.

"Actually mom, now that you bring it up, I don't think the science was accurate."

"No, probably not."

"I mean, I know that all seven continents were once one, but I don't think it happened that quickly and all the animals..."

"Want to ride your bicycle without training wheels some more?"

"SURE!!!"

Yes, I distracted him, I taught high school Spanish, not Earth Science.


The best part for my children to see was the end when they coupled the actors recording their voices next to pictures of their cartoon counterparts.  I didn't realize that Game of Thrones super star Peter Dinklage was Captain Gutt or I would have agreed to go much sooner.   If my children ever hope to get a puppy out of me one day, all they have to do is promise to name him Tyrion. :0)

New rule-we watch a movie as a team, we discuss it as a team.

Their mother is a freak that way.

P.S.- Up at Five am for a six mile run, although I forgot to hit the app on my phone to record it until half way into it, so my phone says I only ran three miles. They didn't have such things in the Ice Age anyway.

A Run through Rome....

Is it seven am already?

Coffee…..check…I’m not running this morning so the babysitter can sleep in. Kids are still asleep...hallelujah..I can say this as it is not Lent.

Coffee pod…push button…..this is so much freaking easier than an espresso machine.

Milk..milk…found the milk.. Caffeine going through the veins….bliss….I’ll just open the back door to get a cross breeze going…and....and...

and there is a pool in my backyard.

I’m just going to do that thing they used to do in the old school cartoons, where I get a knife or a safety pin and stab myself in the arm until I wake up.  Ouch…ok that hurt…one more time…oh crap that pool is still there.

THERE IS AN ABOVE GROUND POOL IN MY BACKYARD!!!!!

You know, I’m too nice. I’ll take the Phish music and I’ll take the unemployed men getting mad because they can’t throw a boomerang and catch it like my intelligent six year old, but a pool?  NO!!!!

I’m done…I’m over all of this crap. I need an outlet…I’m going to see a movie this afternoon.

Which one?  That’s a no brainer….To Rome with Love  it is…

I gave myself a little liturgical challenge last spring. I told forty stories about forty times I went to theaters and what happened when I got there. I did it-but one of my favorite directors was missing.

I didn't tell a Woody Allen story-and not for lack of them.


I have many a Woody Allen story. A lot of them include the nerds I went to high school with and a couple involve college beach trips, but maybe the neurotic Jew just didn't have space in a blog collection leading up to the death and resurrection of Christ. I'm sure he'd thank me if he cared.


We can all find a little Woody Allen in us. It's easy really. You just look around you and make observations and connections to other things in your life and past about everything you see. OUT LOUD..don't sugar coat it. Don't filter it for your grandmother. Just say it. And you can't be embarrassed or worried about what someone else is going to think. Just put it out there-and you have a Woody Allen film. He won't do bonus commentaries for his DVDs. He says the movie is all you need to know about the movie. He has a point.


The critics-the people who are paid to go see movies and tell other people what they think about them-are 50/50 this time with Mr. Allen. To Rome with Love is four stories in Rome going on at once-they never connect in anyway other than you can tell Woody wrote them.



I’ll spell them out:


1) One average working man gets a taste of the celebrity life style.

2) A small town couple finds out how much fun extra curricular trysts can be

3) A retired music producer discovers a mortician that can sing in the shower

4) An American arquitect wants to visit the country he studied in during his twenties


I don't have all day, so I'll just focus on my favorite vignette. Alec Baldwin is the architect stumbling around his old neighborhood looking for what was once his old apartment. He meets a twenty year old kid who happens to be in school for architecture and knows exactly where the apartment is and takes him there for coffee. OK, I was slow on the uptake during the Sixth Sense, but I figured this one out pretty quickly.  Duh...


I was loving the film and picking apart the dialogue and comparing Ellen Page in this to the time I saw her in Juno when we were both pregnant. Listening to her character name drop to the young architect cracked me up. She liked Gaudi and the Sagrada Familia? Always let the conversation go on a little bit longer to make sure they can keep up and aren't just telling you what they want to hear. Did she like Park Guell too? How about the Casa Batllo?  Everybody and their brother knows Gaudi and the Sagrada Familia.

She didn't even try to be adorable about her ignorance- I would have said:

 I only know Gaudi, Frank Loyd Wright, IM Pei, and Maya Lin. Four famous architects for a trivia game but I can't help my son put a Lego set together past the age of seven.

 As I was over analyzing the phone rang silently. Yes, I was that movie patron. My phone was making noise during a fine arts cinema production.

 The old me would have gotten irritated with this. But the new me has three kids at home and left the theater to answer it.



It was the property manager of my house.


PAGE! HOW DARE YOU PUT A POOL IN THE BACKYARD FOR YOUR CHILDREN! IT NEEDS TO COME DOWN!


I didn't put a pool in the backyard. The girls upstairs did. I am sitting in the hoity toity town of Madison, CT watching a Woody Allen film with possibly ten other people all way older than I am while everyone else is in Branford watching Ted or Magic Mike. This is my life. I can't go to a theater without something happening.

I tried to be polite and handle this quickly because with every second I spent on mundane stupidity I was missing brilliant self-depricating witty dialogue we only get once a year and Woody is pushing 80 so how many more of these movies do I have??? (sob)

I cleared my throat and channneled him, to my property manager.  I tried to think of what Woody would say if he were the 37 year old mother of three in a new life setting she didn't really plan.

UM, seriously, it wasn't me that did it. Yes, I have three children that would be more than happy in a germ filled pool without having to go anywhere strapped in a carseat.  Sadly for them, I enjoy taking them around other people to swim so that they acquire social skills they wouldn't get sitting in an above ground pool in my backyard swatting mosquitos.  God knows I have broken rules before and will more than likely break them again.  When I was eleven I got in trouble over Judy Blume books, just last year a principal accused me of sharing a porn DVD with another mother via our children's backpacks, and that one boyfriend in highschool almost had to go back to drug rehab over me,  but putting up a pool in a backyard that doesn't belong to me isn't on that list. OK I don't have time for this I need to analyze a film- Bye.

Then I had to quickly run back to my seat and not irritate the old ladies behind me.

ahhhhh wit again.

 I hate the word cute-so I'll say that the film is a quirky little romp through Rome that could have happened almost anywhere. Not his best, not his worst. If you love Woody Allen you will love this too. 

Other than Annie Hall and Hannah and Her Sisters, this one stirred up some emotion in me.

Alec Baldwin and Jesse Eisenberg are ingrained in my brain forever-no kidding.  Kind of a post traumatic stress disorder moment, if you will.

I'd love to wander around Sevilla, Spain and see my twenty year old self. I would run into her on the tippy top the the Giralda tower. She would have this thick head of red hair and be wearing socks that match her shirt.  I would tell her three things:  1) Start learning about autism other than Rain Man. 2) You are writing all those letters because you love to write, keep doing it, and 3) buy hair gel.


Everything else she could figure out on her own-including how to be witty and get a pool out of her backyard.

Thanks Woody-see you next year!

P.S.-I ran 12 miles today in the heat.